


Say my name and everything just stops

by lady_liserator



Category: Amar a Muerte (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Porn with Feelings, Smut, and fluff, ansgt, the reunion we deserved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-23
Updated: 2019-02-23
Packaged: 2019-11-04 10:30:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17896769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lady_liserator/pseuds/lady_liserator
Summary: Swallowing hard, Juliana tries to push down the feelings that are bubbling up in her, manifesting as a lump in her throat that threatens break down her walls, threatens to spill over in the form of tears or an angry over-the-top love confession. She cannot let her guard down now, she knows this, and so she turns away from the bed, tearing her eyes away from where they had been fixated on Valentina’s slightly parted lips.Set during episode 1x77.I've always wanted to explore Jul's feelings a bit more than the show did and this was the perfect opportunity.Val is angry, Juls tries to open up, and sexy-times save the day.





	Say my name and everything just stops

**Author's Note:**

> I kind of wrote this for myself after watching episode 1x78 and it turned out a little longer than I expected, so I thought I'd share it :)  
> 

Juliana softly closes the door behind her when she enters Valentina’s room, careful not to wake her up. Looking at Valentina’s peaceful expression as she is sleeping, cuddled up in her blanket, her chest softly raising and falling, Juliana feels a painful twinge in her stomach and a wave of uncertainty wash over her. She hadn’t really thought about what she was going to say when she would see Valentina again, and she had spent the entirety of the bus ride over to Valentina’s house trying to silence the voices in her head whispering about betrayal and weakness. Juliana sighs, her brain still refusing to prepare something to say, to acknowledge the reality of the situation. With a huff of annoyance at herself, Juliana realises that a part of her is still hoping that none of this is real and that Valentina would wake up and hug and kiss her and everything would be forgotten. 

Juliana shakes her head and takes another look at Valentina, her eyes flickering over the sleeping girl’s face, and she gets lost in memories of simpler times filled with shy smiles and soft insecure glances. Letting out a sharp breath, she shakes her head again. She has always been a realist, a pragmatic, has always tried to confront problems head on. There had never been a time in her life where she had the luxury to get lost in daydreams or feelings and now, after having experienced what letting go can be like, denying herself those things had become even harder. Valentina made her discover the part of her that believes in fairy tales and love at first sight, and soulmates, notions that Juliana had been sure of her entire life were non-existent and it was harder now more than ever to stay realistic about these things. Swallowing hard, Juliana tries to push down the feelings that are bubbling up in her, manifesting as a lump in her throat that threatens break down her walls, threatens to spill over in the form of tears or an angry over-the-top love confession. She cannot let her guard down now, she knows this, and so she turns away from the bed tearing her eyes away from where they had been fixated on Valentina’s slightly parted lips. She walks away from the bed a little to gain a some distance to the girl on the bed and looks around Valentina’s room, smiling slightly now at the memory of the first time she had come over here. 

It had been unreal to her and entirely incomprehensible how someone could live a life like this when she had first entered Valentina’s house. And even more so, she still couldn’t believe how she had so suddenly and so completely been swept up in such a life. Juliana lets her fingers travel delicately over the small desk next to Valentina’s bed as if she was touching a treasure, and with an involuntary glance back at the bed and the sleeping Valentina, she remembers another time she had been in this room. Unable to stop the images from flooding in, Juliana’s head is immediately filled with the sounds of shaky breathing and soft moans, and the memory of Valentina, cheeks flushed and lips trembling, coming apart underneath her. When her thoughts travel to the image of Valentina’s fingers sliding tentatively down Juliana's body and touching her for the first time, however, she feels a sudden, sharp pain in her chest which cruelly brings her back to reality. Now it seems like ages ago when the two of them had been happy like this together.

Juliana tries her hardest to stop herself from going back in her head to see when everything had started to go awry, but now the gates are open and she can’t stop the thoughts from invading her brain and everything hits her at once. Lucho shouting at Valentina and grabbing her, the comments from Valentina’s college friends, Eva coming to her house, her own mother trying to push Valentina, and then: Sergio. Juliana’s stomach turns at the thought of having to explain what happened with him to Valentina. Heck, her stomach already turns at the thought of it having happened at all and she desperately wishes for his face to just vanish from her memory. She feels herself get slightly dizzy and holds on to the desk next to Valentina’s bed.

Somewhere in the back of her head, gunshots are added to the mix and Sergio’s face turns into the twisted and evil visage of one of Alacran’s men, shouting, spit flying from his mouth. Juliana shakes her head again, violently this time and almost comical. It doesn’t help. The scenery only changes and now she sees herself, a younger version, sitting on the rusty stairs leading up to her childhood home, tears streaming down her face, her mom and dad’s angry shouts reaching her through the front door. The sound of shattering glass and slamming doors is still ringing in her ear when she finally manages to get a hold on herself. Screwing her eyes shut, she thinks of a black lightless void, imagines it taking over her to empty her brain the way she had taught herself to do when she was young. It starts to work, and Juliana opens her eyes again, shaking slightly.

She can’t let this stuff get to her. She is here to be there for Valentina and to thank her and maybe explain a few things to her, and that is it. A small collection of photographs on Valentina’s wall catches her eye and Juliana pushes herself away from the desk. Still in a daze after the whirlwind of emotions that had taken over her, she absentmindedly runs her fingers over a few of them. She briefly wonders what Valentina’s life was like before her dad had died and imagines Valentina surrounded by her friends, in a nice dress, sitting by the pool and sipping some sort of fancy drink prepared by Chivis. She can see Valentina smiling at someone across the pool, maybe her father, holding up her glass. It pains Juliana to think of how long it’s been since Valentina had smiled like this now. A sudden clang of metal pulls Juliana out of her daze and she realises she is suddenly holding one of the pictures in her hand, having pulled it away from its place on the metal picture frame. A second later, Valentina is stirring in her bed, waking up from her slumber. 

Juliana’s body is seemingly moving on its own now and she rushes towards Valentina who looks slightly confused, and, Juliana thinks, incredibly beautiful. ‘Sorry, I’m so sorry, Val’, the words tumble out of her. ‘I came as soon as I could, I’m so sorry’. There is no reply, but the older girl welcomes Juliana’s hug, clinging to her tightly. Valentina’s mind is still clouded with sleep when she wraps her arms around Juliana and for a second, she gets lost in the feeling of having Juliana so close, her smell surrounding her and immediately invading her senses. Holding Juliana like this is almost too much, and the relief of seeing her alive and well in her room is soon replaced by a weird mixture of insecurity and intense longing, a feeling all too familiar to Valentina by now. 

When Juliana lets go of her slowly, Valentina’s hands cling to her, tentatively making sure that Juliana really is okay and here in her room. Then, Juliana sits down on the chair next to Valentina’s bed and Valentina’s hands come to rest in her own lap. The lack of contact and the space between them leaves both feeling empty and detached, like there is an invisible wall between them, and the room falls silent. The song of the birds outside invades the room as if they are making a mockery of their stillness. Both girls have their eyes fixed on a spot somewhere on the ground, and with the physical contact now broken, there is a weird tension in the room, unspoken words and unresolved feelings thickening the air. 

Finally, Valentina clears her throat, her gaze shifting to find Juliana’s who looks up at the sound. ‘So, how are you?’. Her voice sounds small, and Valentina feels entirely stupid for asking. She has no idea what happened to Juliana while she was in the hands of those horrible people and the question seems almost insulting. ‘Fine, Val. I’m okay.’ Juliana answers it anyway, almost nonchalantly. Valentina sneers, involuntarily, and is shocked at the disdain in her voice. She can’t place the anger that is now rising within her and she quickly averts her glance again, clenching her teeth. Despite the sunlight, which dances through the room, broken up into little specks of light by the tree in front of Valentina’s window, the room is starting to feel cold now. 

Juliana starts fidgeting with the picture she is still awkwardly holding in her hand. The adversity in Valentina’s voice is hard to ignore and she frantically tries to think of what Valentina might want to hear. She opens her mouth several times to follow up on her statement, but her mind is blank. Maybe she should amend her answer, but it feels like the truth to her and she can’t think of a different way to describe what she is feeling. It’s a different kind of okay than she used to be and a different kind of okay than she feels with Valentina, but to her it still feels- okay. The picture slips out of her hand and lands on the floor in front of her feet. Juliana looks down at her now-empty hands, examining them. Numb. The word forms in Juliana’s head unexpectedly as if it is an answer to a question Juliana never asked. Maybe that is it, maybe numb is her okay, Juliana wonders, but she isn’t sure and so she doesn’t say it out loud.

More seconds go by. They’re painful for both and Valentina inadvertently starts balling her hands into fists, still unable to understand why she is suddenly feeling so angry. It’s bubbling somewhere deep inside her and it is threatening to break through the feeling of comfort and peacefulness Juliana’s presence usually elicits in her. Fixing her glance on Valentina’s hands which now turn restless in her attempts to control her anger, Juliana is overcome with such an intense need to comfort Valentina that it almost hurts. No, she is not numb, never with Valentina, and she wishes she could tell her. Juliana decides to try. ‘I mean, I’m not completely fine, but- but I’m better here with you. I am getting better’. It’s the best Juliana can manage. It’s as deep as she can get right now and it’s more than she has ever told anybody. 

Valentina lets out another sneer, paired with a huffing noise, which indicates that Juliana’s answer is still insufficient and Juliana winces at the sound. The birds outside are still incessant in their playful tunes as if trying to drone out the two broken souls inside Valentina’s room. For a second, Juliana thinks that behind the anger in Valentina’s eyes, she can still see the familiar softness, but she looks away before she can be sure. It seems overwhelming, seeing Valentina like this, angry and with tears in her eyes and Juliana has no idea what she is supposed to do about it. She grows desperate and wonders whether simply leaving would maybe be the best idea. She glances at the door and her heart almost stops when she realises that Valentina had been watching her and witnessed it. ‘Yeah, sure, leave if you want’, Valentina almost spits the words and her tone startles them both. 

Never in a million years would Valentina have thought that she could ever speak like this to Juliana, ever be anything but loving and gentle. Right now, however, all the supressed emotions she had tried to keep silent during the past days were showing their ugly faces and Valentina was unable to stop any of them. Until now, she had almost been successful in ignoring the anger she felt about Juliana and Sergio. She had rationalised it over and over again in her head, had assessed all the situations which might have led to Juliana breaking up with her and maybe even to her sleeping with Sergio. And she had understood it. At least, she had tried to understand. But now, with Juliana in front of her, the room filled with Juliana’s scent and the memories of Juliana’s lips on hers, the thought of Juliana with someone else was unbearable to Valentina. ‘I’m not going to leave’, Juliana suddenly states, her voice careful and steady and it enrages Valentina even more. ‘Okay then. Why did you fuck Sergio?’, the words are out before Valentina notices and as soon as she says them she wishes she could pick them up and put them back in her mouth. She doesn’t want to hear this, she doesn’t want to know about any of this. The bluntness of the question shocks Juliana. She feels her strength wavering, guilt and shame gnawing at the wall she had so carefully worked on building up. Valentina is glaring at Juliana now, her eyes dark and intense, and Juliana is frantially searching for just a glimpse of the gentleness she is used to in Valentina’s expression. 

Her eyes flicker over Valentina’s face, almost desperate now to break to hardened look on her face, which is so very un-Valentina that it hurts. Then, just for a moment, Juliana swears she can see Valentina’s face softening, desperation showing in her eyes, and although it is gone in the blink of an eye, it is enough for her. ‘I want to explain everything to you, really’, she starts, and Valentina crosses her arms in front of her chest, a raised eyebrow indicating that Juliana should continue. ‘I went to see Sergio because he was going to help me with- with something’. Juliana stops and decides that mentioning Costa Rica right now is probably not the best idea. ‘I was angry, and I drank mezcal and it just ... happened’. The end of the sentence comes out like a whisper. It’s not enough, Juliana thinks hopelessly, it’s barely an explanation, but she still cannot bring herself to continue. She had thought about it, probably a thousand times, while alone and delirious with fear and pain, surrounded by Alacran’s men. But how could she ever explain to Valentina what had went through her head when she was at Sergio’s apartment when in all those hours since then she hadn’t even really figured it out herself?

‘It just happened’. Valentina repeats the words as if to try them out, silently to herself. She is mad now, really fucking mad and she tries desperately to hold back. ‘It just happened’. She says it again and looks directly at Juliana who seems queasy now. Outside somewhere a plane goes by, and the sound, like the faint roar of a beast, resonates in Valentina’s chest. She lets her eyes travel over Juliana, partly because she knows it will make Juliana even more uncomfortable and partly because she feels like it is a way of claiming Juliana back. She takes her time, shifting her gaze from Juliana’s deep, brown eyes along her jawline and the nape of her neck. Juliana squirms under the look, unsure of what to do or what exactly Valentina is doing. Valentina feels suddenly bolder though, Juliana’s uneasy movements invoking a smugness in her that feels entirely misplaced in the situation. When her eyes travel lower, however, reaching the swell of Juliana’s breasts visible under her shirt, Valentina can feel the anger overpowering her again. The thought of someone else having touched Juliana, her Juliana, is almost incomprehensible to her and it makes her skin boil. Valentina’s face hardens, and she tears her eyes away from Juliana who shifts uncomfortably on the chair. Her voice like ice again Valentina finally asks what she had wondered from the moment Lucho had told her about Juliana and Sergio. 

‘Did you like it?’. The question is unexpected, and Juliana can hear fear behind the angry facade of Valentina’s voice. She knows the answer immediately. She had known it before that night and knew it even more after. ‘No’, she replies, the word coming out in breathless huff, betraying how much Valentina’s eyes raking over her body had affected her. ‘I really didn’t. I was never going to like it and I think I knew that. And it didn’t even come close to what I felt with you’. Juliana is looking directly at Valentina now, her eyes pleading, hoping that Valentina could understand.

And then it is back. The familiar softness in Valentina’s expression, the love in her eyes shining through the hurt and the sadness. For a moment, both girls sit completely still, and Valentina can feel her heart beating faster with each passing second they look at each other. It’s maddening, the way Juliana affects her and suddenly Valentina can feel herself get worked up again, mad at how easily her love for Juliana takes over her, threatening to push any other feeling away. Clenching her fists again, Valentina goes rigid, and with a swift move she gets up from the bed, now towering over Juliana. She wants to feel this anger today, she wants to be mad at her, mad at Sergio. ‘You know what? Get out, please’. Her voice is louder than she wants it to be, but the demand still sounds weak. Her voice breaks halfway through the sentence and the added ‘please’ makes Valentina feel stupid. Still, she tries to hold her stare, angrily glaring down at Juliana, hoping that her eyes wouldn’t betray her too.

Juliana stares up at Valentina and feels utterly helpless. She wants to be able to take Valentina’s pain away so badly, wants to give her what she needs and leave, but she can’t bring herself to move. Not for a second would she leave Valentina alone in her room in this state, but she also wants to give Valentina the space she needs. Unsure of what to do, Juliana just stays in her chair silently, unable to decipher the situation in a way that could tell her what she should do best. ‘Get out’. This time Valentina’s voice isn’t weak. There is a faint tremble, the slightest hint of insecurity, but the words are clear. Deciding that maybe she could go and find Chivis to take care of Valentina, Juliana finally gets up, her legs almost giving in when she is finally standing. Valentina was standing close to the chair and is even closer now that Juliana is up, so that she can feel Valentina’s breath on her and it sends a shiver down her spine. Valentina's uneven and shaky breaths reaching her face threaten to break Juliana’s heart all over again and she uses all her strength not to just grab Valentina and pull her into a hug. She wants to do it so badly, wants to be there for Valentina, feel her relax in her arms, but she is still unsure of what to do and so she ends up just standing there, her arms limply by her sides.

Juliana feels like minutes go by like this and then Valentina’s unwavering stare starts to be too much for her, the anger that is directed at her too overwhelming. She decides to at least take a few steps out of Valentina’s field of vision, but the second she starts walking towards the door and past Valentina, it feels wrong. With a sigh, Juliana halts after a few steps and she can feel Valentina glaring at her, her eyes boring into her back. The room is filled only with their heavy breaths now, and with each passing second, the tension becomes more unbearable. When Juliana finally decides to face Valentina and turns around to maybe say something else, Valentina is already there, grabbing Juliana’s face and pulling her into a searing kiss. 

The act surprises Juliana and she wants be reasonable about this and stop Valentina, but her body betrays her the moment Valentina’s lips are on hers and she responds eagerly. Valentina pulls back for a second, eyes fixated on Juliana’s lips, her clenched jaw only softening when she mumbles a quiet ‘Damn it, Juliana’ before taking in a shaky breath and crashing her lips onto Juliana’s again. Valentina is immediately licking into her mouth hungrily and the undiluted passion in Valentina’s voice and actions leave Juliana’s brain in a haze, lust overpowering any sensible thought telling her that kissing Valentina will only make everything more complicated. Then, any last shred of hesitance flies out the window when Valentina’s hands reach down to Juliana’s ass to pull their bodies together forcefully. Juliana’s body almost goes limp at the feeling of their bodies so unexpectedly close again. 

Unable to articulate any other thought than Valentina’s name over and over again in her head like a prayer, Juliana lets herself get completely lost in Valentina’s arms. A soft moan escapes her lips and it feels impossibly loud and definite after the long moments of silence preceding it. The sound travels through the room and for a second Juliana thinks it’s going to stop Valentina, that maybe this is getting too real and intense for her, but then she can feel Valentina's hands tightening around her back pulling her impossibly closer. 

 

Their kisses deepen and the string of soft noises escaping Juliana’s lips clouds Valentina’s brain. Somewhere deep inside her she knows that anger is not the best motivation to kiss Juliana like this again, but the moment their lips touched, her anger had turned into pure, unadulterated lust and right now she really doesn’t feel like denying herself the pleasure of the feeling. It is the first time since days that Valentina feels safe to kiss Juliana without the fear of being caught or Juliana stopping her, and it is intoxicating. Valentina briefly wonders if she would even care if anyone walked in on them right now. The anger at everyone who had been trying to keep her and Juliana apart had transformed into complete and utter indifference in the past few days and now a part of her, Valentina realises, even wants to be caught; wants to show everyone what she is able to do to Juliana and how she can affect her. 

Something in the back of Valentina's head is telling her that this probably isn’t a healthy coping mechanism, but she doesn’t care. Suddenly there is a desire within Valentina to claim Juliana, to consume her, and Valentina lets her hands travel all over Juliana’s body, careful to still maintain a strong hold on the smaller girl to steady her. Then, after wrapping one arm firmly around Juliana’s waist, Valentina brings her other hand up to tangle in Juliana’s hair. Her instincts taking over, she grabs onto a fistful of it and carefully pulls Juliana’s head back, exposing her neck. Juliana lets out a guttural sound and when Valentina latches onto it, sucking at her pulse point and the noise turns into a strangled moan. Juliana is reduced to a panting, trembling mess within seconds and Valentina can’t help but feel smug about it.

After a few minutes of pushing and pulling at each other, lips and tongues crashing, Valentina pulls away slightly again and captures Juliana’s bottom lip between her teeth. She bites down a little harder than she usually would, and it elicits another unrestrained moan from Juliana that briefly startles them both, the boldness of the expression being so unlike Juliana. Valentina feels completely intoxicated, desperate to keep hearing Juliana make those noises for her. Juliana cannot remember ever feeling so completely unbridled and the freeing feeling of letting herself go like this is immediately addictive to her. She had already had a taste of it for those few blissful days she was with Valentina and now, back in Valentina’s arms, she wonders how she had ever been able to let go of it. When Valentina pulls away again, Juliana chases her lips and her arms that were previously holding onto Valentina’s waist to pull Valentina’s head back in. Valentina can feel the heat between her legs grow tenfold at this display of wanton hunger and the realisation is immediately followed by another rush of anger.

How could Juliana be here now, wanting her just as much as she did when they had slept together for the first time, and still console herself with one of her best friends instead of coming to her. The questions swirl around in Valentina’s head and let her movements become more frantic again. Grabbing Juliana’s waist, Valentina turns her slightly until the back of Juliana’s knees hit the bed next to them. She pushes against Juliana, deepening their kiss again and Juliana willingly goes to lie down on the mattress, pushing herself upwards until her head hits the pillow. Leaving her no time to breathe, Valentina immediately pushes down into Juliana, settling her body on top of the younger girls, her lips still firmly planted on top of hers and one of her legs pushing into Juliana’s center. Another breathy moan escapes Juliana’s lips when Valentina immediately starts grinding down hard, and Juliana’s hips buck up involuntarily to increase the pressure even more. She hadn’t been aware of how sensitive she already was from just kissing Valentina, but now with Valentina on top of her, she was caught in a frenzy, chasing every bit of pleasure and every touch she could get. After a while, Valentina shifts her body and takes Juliana’s hands, which had been rigid by her sides grabbing onto the sheet, and pins them above Juliana’s head holding them there, her body weight now entirely resting on Juliana. 

Both are completely lost in the sensations, their writhing tangled-up bodies caught in a swirl of low moans and heavy breathing. Valentina is so lost in Juliana at this point, her body completely on fire and the ache between her own legs growing increasingly more distracting, that she almost doesn’t hear the sudden noise outside of her room, further down in the hallway. Only after the loud slam of a door and a noise that sounded like empty plates clashing together, does Valentina cease her movements to listen. With an annoyed sigh, she recognises Chivis’ slow shuffling footsteps coming along the hallway and the rage that had been replaced by her desire starts to boil back up. Valentina looks down at Juliana, whose eyes are still screwed shut, and wonders whether Juliana even noticed anything. There is a second noise in the hallway, closer now, and now Juliana notices, apparent in her attempts at stopping her hips from meeting Valentina’s thigh and the frown appearing on Juliana’s face. 

Valentina lets out an angry huff. Ever since their first kiss they had been haunted by constant interruptions, barely a moment to themselves and even now it seems like their moment was going to be taken away from them. She tries to calm her breath down and the strangled pants that filled the room quiet down, transforming into shaky intakes of breath and restrained quiet exhales. Valentina slows her movements down, but she doesn’t completely stop grinding down into Juliana, determined not to let anyone get between them this time. Caught between a rising panic of being discovered like this and the gnawing pleasure that is building in her stomach, Juliana follows Valentina’s example and tries to calm her ragged breathing down, unable to move. 

 

The clunky steps slowly approach the door now and Valentina can practically see Chivis holding her ear against it, likely to find out if Valentina is sleeping or not. She sends a silent prayer hoping that Juliana entered the house undetected by Chivis and lets go of Juliana’s hands which she had still pinned down next to her head. Juliana’s eyes are wide open now, darting back and forth between Valentina and the door, but Valentina notices with satisfaction that Juliana’s hips still haven’t stopped bucking into her thigh. Juliana’s breath is uneven and her now-free hands are grabbing onto Valentina, fingers digging into her lower back. Chivis still doesn’t seem to have moved from her spot behind the door and the seconds tick by excruciatingly slowly. Juliana is holding her breath now, the extasy she felt a few moments ago still surging through her body and she has to move one of her hands up to clamp over her mouth to trap the desperate whimpering noise that is sitting in the back of her throat threatening to break out. Valentina’s thigh is still pressing into her, grinding slowly, and the weight pushing her deep into the mattress is maddening. 

In this moment of relative stillness, Valentina is now painfully aware of the ache between her own legs, and another surge of anger bubbles up in her stomach. She isn’t sure whether she is angry because ever since their first time, the world seemed to be insistent to deny her the pleasure of being with Juliana or simply because Juliana still has this effect on her, but the moment Chivis finally backs up from the door and Juliana releases the hand on her mouth, Valentina’s lips are back on Juliana’s, capturing them in a bruising kiss. She barely gives Juliana time to breathe or to compose herself and when she slightly lifts up her body to push her hand under Juliana’s shirt to roam over exposed skin, Juliana feels delirious and utterly at Valentina’s mercy. 

The combined sensation of Valentina’s hands finally on her and the increased pressure between her legs sends Juliana almost over the edge. Valentina’s hand is traveling down her stomach now, her fingers slipping slightly under the waistband of her jeans. Juliana can hardly stop herself from bucking her hips up impatiently, her fingers digging into Valentina’s back. ‘Val, please’. The words slip out without Juliana even noticing, and her voice sounds strangely unfamiliar to her. Juliana can feel the change in Valentina’s posture immediately. The breathless and desperate plead and the utterance of her name in that low voice that she loves so much instantly pulls Valentina out of her daze. The cloud of anger that surrounded her vanishes and leaves Valentina vulnerable, the thought of sleeping with Juliana like this, motivated by the desire to consume and claim her back, suddenly unbearable. She moves her hand away from Juliana’s exposed skin as if burnt and she pushes herself up, now awkwardly hovering over Juliana on all fours. 

Juliana’s eyes are still shut and Valentina can tell that she is trying to calm her breath. She is scared of what was going to happen when Juliana would look at her, their closeness suddenly appearing too intimate. Not being fuelled by her anger anymore, Valentina feels exposed and entirely foolish. She doesn’t want Juliana like this, she knows this, and she feels her fingers itch with the desire to touch Juliana differently, slow and gentle, and without the rush of anger. The room has fallen silent again and it feels like an eternity until Juliana finally opens her eyes, Valentina still hovering over her, but the contact almost entirely broken in her new position. Juliana has difficulty getting over the haze her brain is still lost in and she feels still drunk with Valentina when she finally opens her eyes. She looks up at the girl hovering over her and seeing the changed expression of Valentina’s face instantly sobers her up. Valentina is staring down at her and any traces of rage or disappointment are gone. Her blue eyes are glazed over with a layer of tears now and all Juliana can find in them is a deep sadness which resonates within Juliana in the form a sharp painful sting in her chest.

There’s a soft ticking noise coming from the clock on Valentina’s desk and for a while it’s the only sound in the room. Even the birds seem further away now and neither Juliana nor Valentina dare to break the silence that took over the room. Staring up at Valentina, Juliana feels infinitely sorry and stupid for having let the situation escalate this much. The dull throbbing in her center still hasn’t subsided and she notices that Valentina’s chest is still moving up and down quickly, proof of how close they had been only seconds ago. For a moment, Juliana imagines that she can hear Valentina’s heart, beating fast under her chest, and she reaches up with a shaking hand to cup Valentina’s cheek, trying to help her to relax. Valentina flinches slightly at the touch, but Juliana doesn’t waver, her thumb stroking Valentina’s face, wiping away a tear that is making its way down Valentina’s cheek.

‘I don’t understand why you did it’. Valentina’s voice sounds far away and is almost a whisper, but the words still reach Juliana through the silence. Juliana swallows. Being here with Valentina, her face inches away from her own, she still doesn’t have an answer, even less of an answer than before. But she wants to explain, not just to Valentina, but also to herself. Juliana swallows again, determined this time to articulate her thoughts. ‘I don’t know, maybe I was.. trying to feel something’, Juliana starts and everything sounds wrong again, just like before. She sees Valentina bite down on the inside of her cheek, hurt evident in her eyes. She quickly keeps talking. ‘But I didn’t. I didn’t feel anything’, she averts her eyes now, but she can feel Valentina’s gaze fixated on her, taking in every word. ‘You know, everyone was telling me that it’s what I should want. That I shouldn’t want you. Maybe I wanted to prove something to everyone, I don’t know. I..’, Juliana’s voice trails off again. It still doesn’t sound right, and she knows it. She closes her eyes for a second and finds Valentina’s gaze when she opens them again. ‘Believe me, I didn’t feel anything. I don’t think I could feel anything with anyone else. Only- only with you.’ Juliana is angry at herself now for having refused to prepare something to say, because everything she says doesn’t feel right to her, the words unable to carry the importance of what she wants to say. Valentina shakes her head almost unnoticeably and sighs, but she still doesn’t move. 

Seconds tick by again and Juliana is still trapped between Valentina’s limbs, unable to decipher what she is thinking. Then, not knowing whether it is the right thing to do or not or why she does it, Juliana lifts her head off the pillow and props herself up on her elbows, bringing her face closer to Valentina’s. After a long moment in which neither dares to move, Valentina’s eyes inadvertently flicker down to Juliana’s lips, and Juliana decides to just try it and closes the distance between them to capture Valentina’s lips. They taste a little salty from her tears and it breaks Juliana’s heart a little, but they are also soft, moving slowly against Juliana’s. Their kisses are different now, slow and lingering and Juliana feels her stomach flutter at the change of pace. Valentina isn’t angry anymore now, Juliana can feel it, and when Valentina opens her mouth to deepen the kiss, she responds eagerly. After a while of soft exploratory kisses and shy smiles whenever one of them has to break the kiss to take a shaky breath, Juliana can feel her arms start to tremble. She is still propped up on her elbows and her fingers are itching to touch Valentina now. She grabs onto Valentina’s head with a soft movement and lies back down on the mattress with Valentina following her only to roll them over a second later. When Valentina is settled on the mattress, Juliana opens her eyes to take the moment in. Valentina’s lips are parted slightly and she looks expectant, maybe even a little scared, and she doesn’t move. Juliana places her hand gently back on Valentina’s cheek and traces her thumb over her lips. They’re red and a little swollen from their kisses and Juliana wants nothing more than to kiss them again. The hand that is still holding onto her neck squeezes down, and then pulls carefully with no real force behind it, like an invitation. Juliana obliges and Valentina lets herself get pushed down a little more into the mattress when Juliana climbs on top of her and starts kissing her again, softly. With a sigh, Valentina responds to the kiss. Her anger has vanished completely and all she is left with is a burning desire to be as close to Juliana as possible, to hide beneath her body and to get lost in Juliana’s kisses. 

 

They kiss for what feels like forever, taking their time, and Juliana can feel Valentina grow more and more restless under her exploratory touches. Juliana is straddling one of Valentina’s legs and is letting her free hand roam along Valentina’s side occasionally coming up to tangle in her hair. She is aware of her thigh which had come to rest in between Valentina’s legs, innocently at first, but which is now pushing into Valentina’s center. Juliana is unsure of how far they should take this and tries to lift her leg up slightly alleviating the pressure, but Valentina immediately arches up into Juliana’s thigh to chase it and brings up one of her hands to pull Juliana closer by the neck.

Deciding that this is the perfect moment to show Valentina how much she wants only her, Julina shifts a little to allow herself to add a more pressure to the thigh that is resting in between Valentina’s and lets her head fall to the nape of Valentina’s neck who guides her there with a gentle tug. The once silent room is slowly filled with soft sounds of pleasure again and Juliana feels intoxicated by the way Valentina is holding on to her, letting Juliana set the pace. She can feel Valentina respond eagerly to every little touch, but she also senses that Valentina is trying to hold back now after having been so rough with Juliana before. Determined not to feel Valentina feel bad about something that Juliana had clearly wanted herself, she stops moving and beckons for Valentina to open her eyes. Juliana almost has to smile at the way Valentina is trying to stop herself from arching into Juliana’s body for more friction as she is biting her lip with a concentrated expression. 

‘Hey’, Juliana places a small kiss on Valentina’s check and then opens her eyes to find Valentina’s. ‘I want you’. She wanted to say something else, she thinks briefly, but the words are true. Beneath her, Valentina swallows and then nods, her expression suddenly changing in time with the air around them. The hand on Juliana’s neck is pulling her down eagerly into a passionate kiss and Valentina resumes the movements of her hips. After a while, Valentina pulls back, panting, and after a moment of hesitation, she mumbles something against Juliana’s lips. ‘I want you, too’. The words take a while to reach Juliana and it is likely the hottest thing Juliana has ever heard. She doesn’t want to waste any more time now and, deciding that it might be best not to get completely naked, the panic over shuffling Chivis’ heavy footsteps still fresh on her mind, she lets her hand travel directly to Valentina’s pants. 

She fumbles with the buttons for a second before opening the zipper and sitting up to slide the fabric down Valentina’s legs. The pants land on the floor with a soft thud and then there is silence again safe for Valentina’s shaky breaths. Hesitating for a moment, Juliana decides to take her own pants and her jacket off as well hoping it wouldn’t send the wrong signal. She wants this to be about Valentina, who is already looking at her hungrily when Juliana turns back around on the bed to face her. The look sends a shiver down Juliana’s spine she can’t hold back a soft laugh. Gone is the anger-filled lust that had dominated Valentina’s face just minutes ago, now replaced by a familiar look of pure love and desire, and Juliana can’t believe that she finally gets to see that look back on Valentina’s face. She lies down back on her place besides Valentina, resuming the position of straddling one of Valentina’s legs and gently kisses Valentina’s awaiting lips. 

She hopes Valentina can feel how much this means to her and is reassured by the content sigh Valentina lets out against her lips seconds later. Propping herself up on her elbow next to Valentina’s head again, she slides her hands along Valentina’s stomach until she reaches her hip. She squeezes the flesh there quickly and then continues down Valentina’s legs, letting her fingers brush along the insides of Valentina’s thighs. It doesn’t take long for Valentina’s hands to pull at Juliana’s neck and back again, holding her close for a passionate kiss. Slowly, Juliana drags her hand up Valentina’s thigh again and closer to her center, and she can feel the heat radiating from it immediately. 

She had just decided to take it slow and to take her time, squeezing the insides of Valentina’s thighs teasingly, when the back of her hand grazes Valentina’s underwear unintentionally and Valentina’s hips buck up even at this slight amount if pressure. Juliana’s breath hitches at the wetness she finds there, and, overcome by how much Valentina seems to want her, is suddenly nervous. It feels like an entire lifetime ago since she had touched Valentina like this. Her mind wanders off to that evening one week ago when they had been in the same position only reversed in their roles. Valentina had taken the lead that night at first and Juliana had been grateful, growing gradually more confident as the night had progressed. 

Still, with Valentina underneath her now, cheeks still stained with tears and so utterly at Juliana’s mercy, it feels different, almost like there is more weight to the situation. She starts wondering if she might ever get used to someone wanting her that much and how she should go about this tonight when Valentina suddenly grabs her hand, pulling it up towards her stomach and then sliding it down underneath her underwear. A shaky ‘please’ is whispered against Juliana’s lips and Juliana feels like she might pass out from the soft request and the wet heat she finds between Valentina’s legs. She slides her fingers slowly through Valentina’s wetness, getting used to the overwhelming sensation of being so close to Valentina and to feel her so intimately.

Juliana’s soft exploratory touches are immediately maddening to Valentina. She felt like her body was tethering one the edge since she first grinded down on Juliana and the short intermission between touching Juliana and now being touched by her hadn’t done anything to alleviate the dull ache she was feeling between her legs. She lets Juliana explore her nevertheless and tries to keep her hips from bucking into Juliana’s hand. The air is burning all around Valentina, but she also wants to take this slow, wants to savour every touch and every feeling just in case she wouldn’t have the chance again for a while. She still doesn’t know if she can really be with Juliana again right away or if Juliana even wants that, but at this moment is doesn’t seem to matter. Juliana is holding her, her gentle fingers touching her carefully and Valentina thinks she has never felt so special in her life.

It is enough for now, she thinks and any remaining traces of resentment or disappointment evaporate into the thick air around her, leaving her only with an overwhelming yearning for Juliana to be even closer to her. Valentina’s hands tighten around Juliana’s neck again and Juliana feels herself get pulled into an even deeper kiss, tongues clashing, and she carefully starts pulls her fingers up a little to find Valentina’s clit and to set up a rhythm of slow steady circles. Immediately she knows that Valentina needs more, fingers digging into her back and her hips arching into her hand. But Juliana is determined to savour this moment and to coax as many of the choked whimpers and ragged moans out of her as she can. She shifts her body to press down on Valentina’s leg with her hips to keep Valentina steady as she continues with the slow circles adding only a little bit of pressure. 

 

Valentina is squirming underneath her now, her breath coming out in quick pants and Juliana smiles against Valentina’s lips which continue to search for hers in a series of unfocused kisses. At another time Valentina might have been frustrated by the teasing, but tonight it is exactly what she needs. She gets lost in the pleasure building up somewhere deep in her stomach and there is only one thing on her mind now: Juliana. Valentina says the name out load, mixed with a breathy moan, as if to confirm that yes, this is real and the response of added pressure on her center sends her mind into a haze. 

The utterance of her name almost makes Juliana forget that she wanted to drag this out, the desire to see Valentina come undone too overpowering. But she knows that both of them need this, so she carefully slows down her movements and then slides her hand further down Valentina’s center. Juliana breaks their kiss and looks down on Valentina who has her eyes still closed tightly and who is almost pouting at the loss of pressure, her brow furrowed and her lip caught between her teeth. When Juliana moves down a little more, however, circling Valentina’s entrance and lightly dipping her finger in, Valentina’s mouth falls open with a sharp intake of breath. Juliana pauses for a second, hesitant, until Valentina becomes impatient and lets out a whimper. She moves her hips upwards to meet Juliana’s hand, whose finger is met with almost no resistance, sliding in smoothly, the move eliciting a moan from both of them. Juliana pushes herself of from where she had been propped up at Valentina’s side and swings her leg over Valentina’s leg, so that both of her legs are now firmly planted at Valentina’s sides. She barely moves her finger a couple of times before removing it and adding a second, pushing into Valentina slowly, who arches into her hand. 

Juliana sets up a slow rhythm, trying to meet Valentina’s bucking hips with each thrust, and after a few moments she knows Valentina won’t last long. Her hands are tangled in Juliana’s hair, holding her in place, kissing her in a daze, as if she is scared that Juliana will let go if she doesn’t grab onto her. Through frenzied kisses, Valentina can tell that Juliana is trying to go slowly and to hold onto this moment for as long as possible. She tries desperately to keep her hips from arching into Juliana’s palm which adds a soft pressure on her clit with each of Juliana’s thrusts, but her body betrays her. She has been wanting this for too long, her entire body has been aching for Juliana since their first night together. Valentina feels like every bottled-up emotion she had been trying to keep inside is spilling out now in the form of unrestrained moans against Juliana’s lips and it’s incredibly freeing and utterly intoxicating. Her hands are moving on their own accord now and they wander down to grab Juliana and pull her closer to finally give her the pressure she needs. 

Juliana knows what Valentina wants with the first tentative pull on her hips and she finally obliges, lowering her body a little to push deeper into Valentina and press her palm firmly into her center. A guttural sound escapes Valentina’s lips at the change of pressure and Juliana happily keeps up a steady rhythm now with her hips grinding firmly into Valentina. It takes only seconds of this until Valentina is pushed over the edge, her body releasing in a series of unrestrained moans which Juliana frantically tries to silence by pressing kisses onto Valentina’s lips. She lets Valentina ride out the aftershocks and removes her hand carefully when Valentina’s hips slump down bonelessly onto the mattress. 

For a second Juliana isn’t sure what to do, because Valentina keeps her eyes closed, breathing heavily. Then, Valentina lifts her arms from where her hands had been digging into Juliana’s back and pull Juliana down into a hug. Juliana buries her face in Valentina’s neck, relieved that Valentina wants her close and gently lowering her body onto Valentina’s. Minutes go by with them breathing each other in, hands gently caressing arms and cheeks. When Juliana finally lifts her head to look at Valentina she sees a fresh trail of tears along Valentina’s cheek, her stomach sinking at the sight. ‘Val, are you okay? I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have..’, her voice sounds panicky, but Valentina silences her with a shake of her head and the hint of a smile. ‘Shouldn’t have done what?’, she asks, and her smile widens into a shy grin. Relief washes over Juliana at Valentina’s attempt to lighten up the situation and she can’t help but respond with a low, breathy laugh. 

Valentina lets out a sigh, her eyes darting around Juliana’s face as if to take it all in. She lifts up her head a little and playfully nudges Juliana’s nose with her own. ‘What’s so funny?’, she asks, but the light-heartedness of the question is followed by a change in Valentina’s expression, doubt back in her eyes, and Juliana can see her swallow thickly despite her smile. Brushing her thumb over Valentina’s lips and beckoning Valentina to relax back on the pillow again, Juliana smiles now, never having been surer of the fact that this is exactly what she wants. ‘I’m happy’, she simply states. Valentina looks at her for a moment and then nods, as if to herself, and smiles again, her eyes now full of love. When Juliana lowers her head and places it on her chest, Valentina’s heartbeat resonating in her check, she hears Valentina mumble against her hair: ‘I am too’.


End file.
